The Aletheia Approach to Coaching

UNFOLDING

Every living thing has an urge to unfold, to grow. What gets in the way is blockages, some external, but mostly internal. We feel cut off from our natural vitality, strength, hope, courage, and value. This list is but a few of our essential qualities that at some point felt absent and we developed strategies to compensate for that absence. These strategies became both a lens through which we view the world and our reactions to it. Look at this trumpet vine growing in the middle of a street sign pole. It's encased all around, but still takes every opportunity to keep growing. Once it has freed itself from the confines, it expands, shooting out beautiful blossoms for all to see.

FOR EXAMPLE

If I believe I am defective and undeserving of love, I may try to earn it through taking care of others. But there is tremendous fear about not being valued for the help that I give. This sometimes results in me giving help that is not wanted. And then people pull away because they sense that there is a hidden bargain. Because of the fear, I try too hard and end up sabotaging myself.

TRANSFORMATION

So, how can I change this pattern of trying to compensate for something that I deep down don’t believe I have? Somewhat paradoxically, what actually works is to begin to befriend those defensive parts. They need to be seen, heard, acknowledged, and valued exactly as they are. Remember what it was like when someone really listened to you without trying to change you. Didn't you relax a bit?  Usually, instead of being curious to really know that part of me, another part comes in and argues. An internal self-improvement war ensues where one part tries to suppress another, which then fights back. On it goes, sapping energy that might be used to deal with the ever-changing landscape of our lives. No wonder many of us feel overwhelmed often. What we fail to realize is that, at a deeper depth, we have all we need. Once those Parts that protect have been really heard, we have access to the Parts that experienced hurt. Once those have been befriended, we drop into the felt sense of lack. Once that depth has been explored, it’s like the coin of absence/presence has been flipped and we can experience the deep sense of resilience that is our birthright. (For more about the various depths I have talked about here, see the blog about OUR FOUR DEPTHS.)